Gene's Blog

Keep on trying

The year my son died, 1997 brought with it a lot of changes. One of them was that I lost my ability, if such a thing can be called an ability, to enjoy movies I had once done. After the light globe at 15, my life went on pretty much as it did with any guy growing up, coming of age in the late 60’s and 70’s. I knew I was different in a lot of ways, but I was careful to not let that show, not manly, you know? :^) So I did the usual stuff, and given my nature, did plenty OF that stuff to extremes, always pushing against the edges of my world, sort of defining and creating my world, I guess. As we all do. Anyway, I enjoyed Clint Eastwood movies, I’ve always gravitated toward movies where the “good guys” win and Clint through “bad tactics”, was always on the side of “good” ultimately. I grew up on Roy Rogers, after all, where guns didn’t shoot real bullets, there was no smoke and gunpowder, and though people fell down, there was no blood, and the “bad” guys never won. It was a sort of antiseptic old west, cleaned up for television, giggle.

The real world isn’t like that of course and in the 70’s our movies began to reflect “reality” in what was shown on screen, still mild compared to what is available today. I don’t know what the effect of having seen thousands of bloody murders, let alone years worth of the nightly news, and the even starker reality that is posted all over the internet has had on the global psyche, but I have to suspect, that like with many things, once you’ve seen enough of it, you aren’t really shocked by it anymore, it loses its reality in some way. Maybe that is how what is happening around the world has come to be so commonplace, so accepted, so normal. Why there is no outrage over what we do to each other in the name of God.

Well, that aside, as I started to say, when Brandon died, I lost my ability to deal with violent movies. I had an experience that summer while trying to watch an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie that completely freaked me out. I wrote about that elsewhere, but that sort of feeling has extended to the small screen too. I can’t abide inane comedies where the humor is derived from insulting each other (I have to tell you NOT everyone loved Raymond!) and I don’t like violent dramas either and games shows bore me to tears. Which doesn’t really leave me much. I loved the first couple years of the original CSI, the science of it fascinated me, but in recent years it too has moved into “gore for gore’s sake” mode, I guess to keep its audience. I never liked the other versions of it. I really liked Criminal Minds, for a few episodes, so well written, so splendidly acted, but after a few weeks it made me uncomfortable, they had to come up with a new serial killer, ever more depraved, each week. As if that were what life is like in America. We don’t have weekly serial killers here. We have plenty of individual horrors and events, but not like the things Criminal Minds laid out there. So they lost me.

But there is a show I fell in love with in its first season, Bones, which is also about the science, but has mostly stayed away from the sensationalist gore that so many shows use to hype themselves. Again, this show is wonderfully written and acted, the characters are real people. And, for me, it is more about the relationships between them, and that growth, than anything else. The back stories are interesting, woven neatly into the show, and the science still fascinates me. The protagonist is a forensic anthropologist. I love what we learn about our world, our evolution on this world, through anthropolgy, I find Discovery HD ever fascinating, lol. This show has a lot of that, real science. But for me, the main attraction has been watching two people pretend not to know they are in love with each other for two years, giggle, sometimes really not knowing it, but watching that grow, and the relationships among the rest of the cast, is what has kept me faithful fan. I watch very little television these days. It is amusing, I bought the best tv by far I’ve ever owned two years ago, a 50″ HD, and I watch less now than I ever have. There is another force driving me. Jenna, of course, and she leads me to the strangest things, half the time I have NO idea why I’m there, but the point always comes clear, and when it doesn’t she whacks me with it, giggle. Okay, she’s not a hitter, but she definitely catches my attention.

So, tonight I wrote here a bit earlier but I knew Bones was on, having seen the back page of the tv section in the paper on the bus and decided that I’d go watch that at 7, then read for the rest of the evening – the sleep thing I went on and on about is still in full swing, so the reading will go on a while, lol. But the show, though, a repeat, was wonderful. And it closed with a song, that I’m reproducing here, and listening to on youtube as I type. I actually found and bought this cd, the day after I first saw this show. I’m not going to go into the details of it but the second season had a wonderful storyline wherein Ryan O’Neal, yes, from Love Story, showed he still has some talent, quite a lot of it actually, he used to sing this song by Poco, to his daughter who is the shows protagonist. As the show closed, the song was playing, it is Keep On Trying. Now, not every word of it has relevance to what I’ve been talking about these past couple weeks, but if you think about it, and I have, a lot of them do. This really is what we need to do. Keep on trying to get home.

As the CWG books talk about that, and as I have, home is where we all came from and where we are all going to return. I KNOW what that place feels like, I was given a glimpse, twice, just seconds worth into what where we come from feels like. We can create here, wonders of love, but we can’t touch that, giggle. But that does NOT mean we can’t try. And we don’t come any closer than when we are at our best with each other. CWG explains that what we do here, why we come here “veiled” is to have an experience, as we grow through that experience, we re-member, we remember the truth of us. Who we really are. That we are ALL children of the same creator, that we were created in love and are at our best when we are IN love. I am not talking eros here, though sweet eros is one of our greatest pleasures, I am talking about agape, that love we feel for each other that isn’t dependent on a “climactic” end to an evening, giggle. I’m talking about that overpowering feeling of goodwill toward others, where all you want to do is hug them close and never let go. Because you love them so much, your child, your friend, your mate. I think THAT is when we are at our best when we can expand that love beyond our “immediate” family and feel it, REALLY feel, it for others.

We SEE it when we see others responding to an accident, when we saw those police and firemen rushing into the twin towers, when we see the real heroes of Iraq, rushing into the latest horror, cradling each other in their arms, loving each other with all their hearts. We humans can be SO good, it shouldn’t require tragedy to bring that out of us. THAT is how we will live when we fully remember who we really are. I’ve got a lot to say about that too, not all from CWG, mind you, I’ve been mightily influenced by other writers and ideas as well and I’ve got jenna, but for this night, this song, reminds me of our real purpose here. Helping each other fight through the doubt, the fear, and find our way home to each other, to the truth of us. Just read the lyrics. I tried to create a link down there at the end, if you wish you can hear it too. If the link doesn’t work, cut and paste it, its on YouTube. You’ll like it. The harmonies are amazing, one of these guys is now part of the Eagles another group with a wonderful, unique sound. And who hasn’t spent some time at the Hotel California? giggle.

I’ve been thinkin bout all the times you told me
You’re so full of doubt you just can’t let it be but I know
If you keep on comin back for more and I keep on tryin
I Keep on tryin and
I’ve been drinkin now just a little too much
And I don’t know how I can get in touch with you
Now there’s only one thing for me to do is to keep on tryin
To get home to you
And I feel so satisfied when I can see you smile
I want to confide in all that is true so I
Keep on trying I’m thru with lying
Just like the sun above I’ll come shining thru oh yes I’ll
Keep on trying I’m tired of crying
I’ve got to find a way to get on home to you
I’ve been thinkin bout the times you held me
I never heard you shout the flow of energy was so fine
Now I think I’ll lay it on the line and keep on tryin
To get home to you
And I feel so satisfied when I can see you smile
I want to confide in all that is true so I
Keep on trying I’m thru with lying
Just like the sun above I’ll come shining thru yes I will
Keep on trying I’m tired of crying
I’ve got to find a way to get on home to you

Okay, that is just NOT turning into a link, darn it, so just cut and paste if you’d like to hear it.

What I want to SAY about it is just this. I hope we are ALL soon tired of crying and that we find our way home to each other here. “Home” is assured, but why should we wait THAT long, to find a little of that experience here? We’ll just keep on trying, be through with lying, tired of crying and find a way to get on home to you, me, us. That’d be a road trip worth taking, even if we traveled the full 25,000 miles around this planet, don’t you think? And some pretty music to keep us company, giggle. much love, :^) gene