I’ve not written anything in a very long time.\u00a0 I keep telling myself I will and I keep not doing it.\u00a0 Perhaps one day I will again.\u00a0 Maybe when I retire.\u00a0 Or before.\u00a0 Or not.\u00a0 If you have read anything in my earlier posts or on my main site, you know a lot about me.\u00a0 This is that too, but not.\u00a0 It is hard to not take all this personally because it is so personal.\u00a0 But in the last, what will be 19 years on 2\/11\/16, I have not gone a day without thinking the words King David said in that verse that is the subject.\u00a0“…If only I had died in your place…” Nor understanding what he felt, feeling what he felt, in the very core of my being.\u00a0 No parent should ever have to feel that and I’ll go there in a few minutes, but I do, many do.<\/p>\n
Today is the 5th anniversary of my oldest son’s death.\u00a0 Evan Gene Jacobson, the light of my life, my first born child, my best friend.\u00a0 He had others.\u00a0 I did\/do not.\u00a0 I hold myself to account for my sons passing, the why is more complicated than I am going to get into here, the how is simpler, they were my only real responsibility and they are both dead.\u00a0 I said, more than once, in jest, to them both, my job is to get you to 18, after that you are on your own.\u00a0 Well, I did that, and how I wish I could take those words back, bring them back.\u00a0 This week I’ve been sick, can’t sleep, just doze, but I keep jolting awake from the same dream every few minutes.\u00a0 I am alone in a field, fog higher than I am, and completely lost.\u00a0 The last two days have been the same during the day, I hurt physically, but I cannot focus, my mind just drifts off, unable to focus.\u00a0 Maybe that is because they were my only real focus in life ever.\u00a0 I breezed through life until they came into it.\u00a0 I was reckless, careless and unafraid.\u00a0 I did what I wanted, when I wanted.\u00a0 Life was easy.\u00a0 A piece of cake.\u00a0 I didn’t care deeply about anything, I appreciated what I had (which was only family, we were dirt poor), I was smart, I played and never got tired.<\/p>\n
Then my boys entered my life.\u00a0 Their mother suffers too.\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 But we were never meant to be a two, I guess, I think we only came together for them, but the next thought is WHY?\u00a0 And I haven’t an answer to that.\u00a0 Well, that isn’t entirely true, Jenna has answers, it is me that finds those answers unforgivable.\u00a0 She, truly, is the only reason I am still here.\u00a0 But still, my thoughts are dark.\u00a0 I am not pleased with this creation.\u00a0 I KNOW where we all come from, I have seen it, felt it, in the light experiences, and I cannot understand why any being, having felt THAT, could possibly want THIS.\u00a0 She says I will understand, I do understand, but wanted to experience creation personally.\u00a0 And so I have.\u00a0 I know what love is.\u00a0 And now I truly know what it is not.\u00a0 Evan, Brandon, my sons, would that I had died for thee.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’ve not written anything in a very long time.\u00a0 I keep telling myself I will and I keep not doing it.\u00a0 Perhaps one day I will again.\u00a0 Maybe when I retire.\u00a0 Or before.\u00a0 Or not.\u00a0 If you have read anything in my earlier posts or on my main site, you know a lot about me.\u00a0 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-379","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":447,"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379\/revisions\/447"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.onepeople-oneworld.org\/WordPress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}