Gene's Blog

Observing

So. I’m here by surprise. Jen tells me that this is the first time I’ve ever completely surprised her. This was supposed to be her visit, I’ve never been here before, always it has been she, in both male and female forms, who has come. That was the plan this time too, but I, she tells me, told her that this time I was going to do it. I wanted to see for myself, from inside, what exactly this was.

I’ve experienced this creation only through the eyes of others, hers yes, but every other soul as well, I told her that was insufficient, that I wanted direct experience. I’m not sure how that works, from here, only what she’s told me. But I do know, from here, the difference between reading/hearing about something and actually being present to experience it personally. I assume that’s behind my thinking, I won’t actually know until I’m home exactly what that means.

I know what I think it means, or at least I know what she’s told me about what I told her. I can’t help but think of the things I have experienced directly – from my life as a child, through the light experiences, the awakening, being in a war zone in Vietnam, the birth and deaths of my sons. And everything else.

So, I’ve observed and I have to say I am not sure this is the path to enlightenment. I’m questioning everything. For example, CWG talks much about how it is only through knowing what one is not that one knows what one is. I’m thinking here, that’s pure bullshit. I’m thinking that if a being who was created in what I know is our home, what I felt in the light experiences, found that insufficient to know how glorious love is, well, then the creator of those beings erred. Somehow. If it is as CWG says, so that the creator could know it’s own magnificence only through the experience of being seen as magnificent through the eyes of its spiritual children, then that creator is a smaller creature than I could have ever imagined, there.

I’ve seen everything of human history. I’ve experienced a lot of it. Good, bad, ugly, truly ugly. If this is what a creator needed for its own ego, I’m not really proud of that, I’m not really in awe of that. I’m actually more than a little disgusted by that, shamed by that. Maybe that’s what I came here to learn. That’s a much smaller God than I imagined. I’m not at my proudest moment here. I’m nearing 70 years of life on earth. They’re not good years. Not for me, not for the world. What came before, evolution, was as bloody and horrid as has been the last few centuries. How could one be proud of that? I’m tired and I want to go home. And have some words with this lesser God.